So, I haven’t been posting much here. Heck, I haven’t been posting much anywhere – my Instagram has been dead for a month+, I rarely check Facebook, my Line is full of messages (albeit mostly coupons and the like).
I just haven’t been able to. Able to anything, basically.
Feel free to ignore this post, I’ll put the pretty flower pictures I just took up front, so you don’t have to go through everything else. Skip to the end for more animal pictures :3
Trigger warning:
thoughts of self harm,
physical and mental health issues
Every day lately has been difficult. I know I complain a lot about it, and I’m sure anyone who knows me is sick of hearing about it. But it sucks. A lot. The shaking has gotten so bad at times that my whole body is in pain from the spasms. At least my doctor was willing to increase my anti-depressant, but with the shaking, it doesn’t seem to matter.
I can’t do anything, and it’s killing me. I am so far behind on basically everything in life. Every day I try, but even walking is hard some days. I just don’t know any more, is this the best it will get? Am I forever going to be unable to do even simple things some days, and just have to deal with it?
I feel like I’m a burden on everyone. Money is stupid tight, I can’t even put into words how rough it is. An increase in my medicine means an increased cost that we just can’t bare (bare? or is it bear? I can never remember), and when I am behind on getting out some orders by a month or so because some days I can’t even move, I feel like I’m putting an undue burden on everyone. My medicine and doctor visits is getting so expensive, and on days when the shaking is bad, my doctor says to just come in – well, unfortunately, the train ride to Beppu and back, plus the visit, is $75 we just can’t afford. I just remind myself that at least we have health insurance here, and doctor bills aren’t as insane as they would be in the US. That’s the only thing keeping my head on straight half of the time.
I have been in a mood lately, though, where the compulsions are getting worse some days. I feel like I can’t put into words the feeling, some days, of needing to drive a pencil, spoon, hair stick, whatever I can get, into my forehead, eye, neck, or arm. I’ve considered tracking them visually in my (currently neglected) bullet journal, but I’m afraid that may make it worse by reminding me of it? I don’t know, but it sucks. I’ve taken to using “My Sleep Button” when it gets bad when I’m trying to fall asleep, and the distraction helps. I take whatever word said and try to translate it into Japanese and use it in sentences in conversation. It’s helped a lot, but that’s only when I’m falling asleep. During the day, it’s harder to distract yourself.
Enough about my complaining, though. I just have to keep on keeping on, and quit bothering everyone about it. So, that’s that.
I’ve been sewing again, so pictures of project(s) coming soon. Tore apart this $1.50 kimono to make a top, I love the pattern, and the top came out really nice!
Here are the furry terrorists who were watching over me as I cleaned my sewing machine (something I haven’t done in years, praise be the sewing gods for looking down on me and not making my machine explode or something).
I can’t believe back in the US I had over a dozen machines. I miss them dearly – you never know how reliant you get on a knee lift on an industrial machine until it’s gone!
I do need to get a dressform, though, badly. Even if it’s not in my size, I need one. I’m desperately considering making a duct tape one – if I do, I’ll make a post with how it goes.
Finally, not just cats, but I’ve been hanging out with a cute pupper – my friend’s “eldest son” is an Akita that is marked like a Shiba. His name is Kokoro (Japanese for “heart” or “feelings”) and he is a huge ham that I just love!
Here he is, covered in cherry blossoms at a spring picnic.
Hang in there chickie! Nice to see you back online